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December 28, 1999 Boring weather report: on my walk into work today, it was 18 degrees Fahrenheit, and the rivers in the Boston area have started to freeze. Spring doesn't really start around here until late April, which means a nice solid four months of a frigid, sun-deprived existence to look forward to. [This message decidedly not brought to you by the Massachusetts Department of Tourism.]
Hey Kids! Interested in the production of a mildly amusing Web comedy product?
The Daily Instigator is on hiatus until next Monday for, uh, Y2K-compliance testing,
yeah.
Actually, I'm overhauling the design and editorial direction. The fake news is funny,
and certainly fun to do, but I don't want the beast to remain a mini-Onion. Producing it
on a fairly regular schedule was the first step in making it feel like a "real publication,"
both to myself and to its miniscule readership. But now we're going to attempt to expand the
possibilities of comedy and satire on the Web. Think of us as the funny Amazon.com, except
that our earnings are substantially better than theirs.
Merry Post-Christmas, everyone! Here's hoping Santa ate all your cookies.
December 22, 1999
While I was poking around the magazine which made the horrible mistake of printing my
name (see December 20th entry), I came across a blurb on Kevin Spacey which mentioned
the rampant speculation that he may be gay.
Am I the only person in this great land of ours who just doesn't care if he's gay or not?
There's only one person whom I want to know the "gayness" of: my wife. And I'm not quite
sure if it's because I'd want a divorce or if I'd hold out for the prospects of other women
coming home.
December 20, 1999 Holy cow. My price just went way up. [ scroll to bottom of linked page ]
December 15, 1999 I very rarely find myself at a loss for words. Reading this, I found myself in one of those moments. [ Found on ObscureStore ] I don't know what the normal American reaction to the holiday season is, but I always find myself filled with apprehension. Gift-buying scares me more now than thunderstorms did when I was a kid. This time of year I suffer agoraphobia that never manifests itself any other time. I swear that I hear "A Kenny G Christmas" everywhere I go. Is it just me, or is this the new American Christmas Experience?
December 14, 1999 Did you watch the Republican debate in Iowa last night? Did you keep a close eye on Gary Bauer? If you looked closely, you could see him snapping dragonflies and mosquitoes out of the air with his long, sticky tongue.
December 13, 1999 My mother came to visit for the last few days. I love it when Mom's in town.
December 10, 1999 Only 21 more days to panic before the year 2000! If you haven't already moved to Saskatchewan with enough canned food and water to feed a small town, you have no chance of surviving. Call your lawyer and update your will; might as well name me the beneficiary, too! Way to go, Mister President! Your legacy is defined!
December 8, 1999 CMGI stock did not enter a tailspin from my hard-hitting Internet coverage yesterday. So much for the new medium, and for my new career. My littlest boy had to go in for minor surgery yesterday. I'm still a little shaken from the whole experience of handing my 16-month-old child to a group of nurses outside the operating room doors, but my outward appearance is unflappable.
December 6, 1999
If you watch TV (and I know you do!), you've certainly seen the AltaVista Search ads with Garry
Kasparov. In the midst of playing several games at once, some little kid mucks up ol' Garry with
a move the master's never seen before. How did he do
it? He asked AltaVista Search the following question: "How do I beat Kasparov's Evans Gambit?"
Well guess what, Grandmaster wanna-bes.
That damn search
doesn't give you anything except links to some crappy computer chess game. Will the stock price of parent company
CMGI plummet from my bold Internet reporting?
After a week of soul-searching, goal-making, and beer-drinking, the Daily Instigator returns with the force of a thousand turnips dropped from a ten-story parking garage.
December 1, 1999
My friend Josh Lucas has posted a very poignant essay
in connection with
A Day Without Weblogs. I feel very fortunate that I have lost
nobody close to me to AIDS, but many of these same people I care for have not been so lucky.
I've been in a bit of a funk lately. My creative work has suffered consequently, which really sucks.
November 30, 1999 A memo to these guys: this is not a good strategy if you want playing time. I've had a hell of a time keeping any semblance of schedule with work and writing. I've never been a terribly organized or efficient individual, but juggling so many projects was really taking a toll on my psyche. I hear cocaine works wonders for maintaining a busy lifestyle, but I can't afford the street prices. I survived Thanksgiving and its associated family exposure fairly well. How was yours?
November 22, 1999 A few minutes ago, I was just feet, mere feet, from William Shatner. If only I had the courage to ask him to do a memorable T.J. Hooker quote. If only there were memorable T.J. Hooker quotes. The "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" people never called me back. Deep-seated resentment began immediately. I call upon all Americans to hunt down Regis Philbin and remove his soul. "Who wants to be the undead, Regis?"
November 17, 1999 So I passed the phone test today for "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" If I'm lucky, I'll get to be a contestant for that big money pie this Sunday. Wanna be my friend? If I snag that thousand large, I'll bet you will.
November 17, 1999 Is 28 too early to have a mid-life crisis? Or is my current situation just a warmup for the big one in twelve years? The machine move is complete, and all the DNS records should be updated by now.
November 15, 1999 serf.com is moving to a new machine, so no updating for a few days.
November 12, 1999
Oh no!
Another rock musician got naked onstage!
Thank God the police were there to arrest him in time!
Why is it illegal for a rocker to get naked onstage, but perfectly legal for Vanilla Ice to exist?
November 10, 1999
Possible Reform Party presidential candidate Donald Trump (Donald Trump!) is making noise
with his proposal for a one-time tax
on the wealth of the richest Americans. Let's ignore for a moment the certain flight of capital that such a tax would
guarantee, and concentrate instead on a very important issue. Will all presidential candidates please repeat after me:
November 8, 1999
I'm certainly not a huge George W. Bush supporter, but crikey I think this new "scandal" about Dubya not
knowing the leaders of certain countries is a big bucket o' hooey. You think all chemists know the exact
atomic weight of every element on the periodic table? Or that mathematicians have all known mathematical
formulas committed to memory? Or that every computer programmer knows by heart the parameter list for every
function in the C standard library? As long as the cat can look up the name of a prime minister before he
calls to say "We're pushing the button," I'm satisfied.
I'd sure like to thank Andy Hiller, the "intrepid" WHDH-TV reporter, for giving me a hell of an idea for
tomorrow's Daily Instigator.
November 4, 1999 Here's a question for you, ladies and gents. Let's say I know "someone" who is producing an online magazine. This guy really wants to increase his readership, but doesn't want to succumb to the easy solution of spamming the media world. What tactful methods would you say I should recommend to my "friend?"
November 3, 1999 Congratulations to the Republican Party of Virginia for winning both houses of the state legislature. These same people nearly elected Ollie North to the U.S. Senate a few years back, so you know their decision-making prowess is sound.
November 2, 1999
Did you see Al Gore dressed up as Underdog for Halloween and jolly ol' Tipper joined in with
a Polly Purebred outfit (because Gore fancies himself the "underdog," get it?) ? I'm sure it was only for the press
photographers, and that costume probably wasn't on him for more than ten minutes total, but I would
have appreciated slightly more appropriate costumes. My suggestion (and it's a little high-concept,
so bear with me): Al dresses as himself. Tipper dresses up as the intelligence of American citizens, and Al
spends all night insulting her.
It's a bad year for flying near the islands of Massachusetts. It's a great year for underemployed
mariners on the islands, though.
November 1, 1999
I hope it's not painfully uncool to like the Foo Fighters,
because I do. The guitars and drums are slickly produced, and Dave Grohl's voice is power-pop perfect.
I'm a closet wuss, okay? I liked the Lemonheads too. Got a problem with that? Is it wrong to get tingly
hearing Matthew Sweet? I'm smart enough to wash the sugariness down with appropriately angry music when I
consume too much of it, though.
I have been hiding a dark secret for many years: I am a serial Walkman killer. I'm on my third in the current
year. I drop them on the floor, sit on them, have them slip out of my jacket pocket at the top of
the escalator. Sony has issued a warrant for my arrest.
October 29, 1999 Radio silence today, kiddies. I got some bad news yesterday afternoon and I'm gonna need the weekend to get through it. See you Monday.
October 28, 1999 If a golfer had to die in a plane crash, why couldn't it be O.J.?
October 27, 1999
Terry recommends new releases by DMX and
Old Dirty Bastard to satisfy my hip-hop jones. I'm still
soliciting recommendations, though.
Not only has the Instigator finally published new material two days in a row, but we've
also accepted our first contribution. Once the design bugs are squished, I may feel
pretty happy.
Once that beast is looking good and humming along on its own, I may take the time to fix
up this log. Won't that be exciting?
October 26, 1999
Count it, G, the sum'bitch actually works. The Daily Instigator's daily publishing is on,
thanks to substantial borrowing from this here log. Now that's value!
Being killed in a plane crash is horrible enough, I'm sure, but it must be even worse to
go down with a celebrity on board with you. Every news report spends the bulk of its time
on Mr. or Mrs. Famous Person's life, leaving you fortunate to even have your name mentioned.
If it ever happens to me, I'm sure I'll be flying with someone like Ron Jeremy: "The porno
actor's life was marked by....He was well-known for....blah blah...[7 paragraphs deleted]...
also on board was this guy.
A mouse! I have a mouse in my office! A teeny little mouse. He's now running through the
Panduit that runs through the common area here.
I think I'll name him "The Cable Guy."
October 25, 1999
All the technical gremlins have been caught, fried, and eaten. We're back up to daily
publication tomorrow PM, skippy.
Today, I found out first-hand that we've entered the cold and flu season.
I miss the old days of rap and hip-hop. EPMD; Eric B. and Rakim; Kurtis Blow; Public
Enemy. Guys with the talent and the love. I'm sure there are new MC's who remember the old
school, but are doing original things. Poroblem is, I've been out of the new music loop for so long
that I don't know who's worth a damn in the record stores. Call this an open request for
recommendations.
October 22, 1999
The network will be fine on Monday, so we'll resume the new stuff then.
October 21, 1999
Our chief router has been flaky since yesterday morning, and will probably not be fully
happy until tomorrow. The Instigator will resume tomorrow.
October 20, 1999
If you're reading this, it means that our router problems are solved. We'll resume
daily publication of the Instigator tomorrow.
My house is very cold. Do not move to New England if you cannot handle the cold.
October 19, 1999
So the beast is (mostly) live. More sections as the night wears on.
See? I really was doing something for McSweeney's. Nyah.
Pushing out the Instigator by noon. You'll like it.
October 18, 1999
Word is bond, yo: the writing time today was spent on items for McSweeney's.
Sure, they pay the same as the Instigator, but they were in
the New Yorker this week, and the Instigator was not.
Truth be told, I've tried about nine different approaches to my little beastie, and I've only recently found one that
I think is going to work. Here's a couple of little secrets to publishing something by yourself: 1) it's really hard to do,
and 2) it's really hard to do for no money.
But that's all just bellyaching. I had web product in the Instigator for some time, and had trouble following through. Then I
committed a cardinal sin in web publishing: promising actual content, then constantly moving the date up when my actions failed
to live up to my lofty plans. I have ideas flowing out of every orifice on my person, and it's my own damn fault that I didn't
act upon them when I promised myself that I would.
Apologies for the unexpected mea culpa, I thought I was just gonna say "working on it now, kids."
I'm spending the rest of the night finishing up the brand new (nearly) daily thing. It's funny.
To the few of you who have kept checking up on my failures to act: thanks for checking.
October 15, 1999
How to not win friends: tell people you will have something
for them to look at on a certain date, and then don't have it ready on that date.
How to win them back: actually have the something
ready on another date, and make it even better than they had anticipated.
Sounds like a gosh-darned spiffy plan, yo.
October 13, 1999
Good news, kids! The waiting ends tomorrow. The Daily Instigator
has content galore, at the same low, low price you expect. Be the first on your
block to write angry letters wondering how much time we wasted.
October 12, 1999
I'm a little drained from watching the Red Sox win
a playoff series for the first time in 13 years. If it please the court, I shall adopt that as the reason
for my radio silence the past few weeks. God bless you all, whatever you may perceive Him/Her/It to be.
September 23, 1999
Huzzah for fall! Time for changing leaves and crappy new television!
September 14, 1999
Triangle in square Flash and blink 'til end of time C-I-T-G-O
September 13, 1999 I do not need this kind of madness the first week of the football season.
September 7, 1999 Noooo! Allan Funt is dead! He was so young! Take me instead, Lord, take me!
September 1, 1999
Let me set the record straight: I did not do it for the nookie. I don't want to know what you're doing with your cookie.
August 31, 1999 Hey, all you bozos driving around with "God Is My Co-Pilot" bumper stickers on your cars! How do you think the Supreme Diety feels about you taking top billing? He's playing second banana to your impressive skills, eh? WWJD, you pinheads?
August 30, 1999 Forget the Smithsonian. To hell with the Louvre. Only one museum matters in these sick times: the Dan Quayle Center and Museum. Bonus: the website is Java-enabled!
August 29, 1999
THE SPEECH THAT HENRY V DID NOT GIVE TO THE ENGLISH ARMY PRECEDING THE BATTLE OF AGINCOURT HENRY: "20,000 French? Fuck this." Poetry from my dog:
I think that I shall never see
August 26, 1999 I pray to God that having a dream about Gwyneth Paltrow chasing me around San Francisco waving a 9-iron over her head doesn't indicate an impending mental breakdown.
August 23, 1999 No time for chit-chat today, boys and girls. I'm fixing up the backend to the new Instigator. Add my name to the list of people who think MySQL is the bee's knees.
August 20, 1999
BLUES, ELWOOD I'm not quite sure what this means for the future of communications in this country, but I'll be damned if you can't send me mail at mikeg@public-enemy.com. I'm cold lampin'.
August 19, 1999
Orgy
and
Fear Factory
release covers of
New Order
's Blue Monday and
Gary Numan's
Cars, respectively,
and they're immediately richer than Croesus and covered in pornstars. Bands like
Buffalo Tom
and
Gigolo Aunts
sweat their tails off for years to make original music, yet remain relatively obscure.
Back in my day, we didn't call cover bands "artists." We called them prom bands.
My dear, darling Instigator is delayed yet again, this time by crappy photo-taking from yours truly. If anybody out there has experience with online magazine production and is willing to work for absolutely no pay, credit and/or stock options, please contact the editor. Is there a show business introduction more sad than, "From Police Academy 5...?"
August 18, 1999
When I have nothing better to do (an alarmingly high percentage of the time), I pretend I'm
an AP reporter:
Of course, the Instigator will be a day late. Will we be a dollar short? Tune in tomorrow and find out!
August 17, 1999
Not much today for two big reasons:
What I heard the scary lady say on the bus: "He's a jerk, that guy. He's from wherever it is they have all those hurricanes. San Francisco, where they have all those hurricanes." God bless every one of our uneducated citizens. Onward, America!
August 16, 1999 Today is the anniversary of Elvis' last movement, so to speak. Remember the once-proud King by singing Love Me Tender to your closest-available loved one. Bonus points if you sing the Tender Chunks commercial version. At 1:50 PM, Monday, August 16, 1999, I absolved myself of all past and present sins. I shall no longer be bound to, beholden to, embarassed by, or limited by my past. A markedly non-religious baptismal ceremony was held in MIT men's room 4-301. Five splashes of cold water to the face symbolized the cleansing. No autoeroticism was involved. When you're in the market for a self-loathing individual, make sure to select Genrich brand! He loathes himself 50% more than the leading brand! Surprise! Bush won the Iowa straw poll. J. Danforth Quayle placed eighth, behind wacko Alan Keyes. America, listen to me now: please do whatever you can to make sure Dan Quayle stays in the race for as long as possible. I can't get enough of the guy.
August 13, 1999
Isn't this like saying "Jews Help Tel Aviv Respond Quickly to Disaster?" Damn. When I first saw this, I thought it said Ned Beatty was running for President. "Squeal like a pig, Saddam! Yeah!" Andy Richter is leaving Late Night. Andy and Conan developed a great on-screen rapport that made the show my favorite for five years (yeah, they've been on for six, but that first year was a little iffy).
August 12, 1999 Thought for the day: Wouldn't it be super-cool if you could poke Bill Gates in the stomach just like the Pillsbury Doughboy, but instead of eliciting an effeminate giggle, you'd hear the bell of a cash register and a couple thousand bucks would fly out of his pockets? Last week, I couldn't get the awful song Somebody's Watching Me out of my head. It was performed by someone named "Rockwell" back in 1984. I mistakenly believed that the guy's name was "Maxwell". There is a current R&B performer named "Maxwell". I wondered if they were the same guy. They weren't. The result of this wayward track of thought was published earlier this week by McSweeney's. A new design and updating plan for your web-browsing needs. Quit your job now so you'll have enough time to keep up! Take your time and tell me how you like the new digs.
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Every damn thing here is ©1997-2000 Michael Genrich. mikeg@serf.com